If you've ever been in the middle of a meltdown, wondering what went wrong, feeling defeated, exhausted, and completely disconnected from your child. 

Or gotten the call from your child’s teacher about your child's behavior again.

You are not alone.

Parenting an explosive child or an easily frustrated child can feel incredibly isolating.

But here's the good news: these challenging moments are actually windows into your child’s inner world and developmental state.  And when you understand why your child is struggling, you can not only move from crisis management to crisis prevention, but you can also help your child gain important skills that will serve them for the rest of their lives. (Because the key to our kid's long term happiness isn't actually getting good grades and a successful career – which I talk about in my blog “Key to Kids' Health, Happiness & Success.”)

Dr. Ross Greene, creator of the Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS) model and author of The Explosive Child, joined us for a conversation that changed how we think about our most challenging kids. His approach fits perfectly with what we believe at Happily Family: that working with our children creates connection, understanding, and lasting change.

(Want to hear from even more leaders in the parenting space who align with our philosophy? Our interview with Dr. Ross Greene is a part of our free instant access parenting summit that you can access by clicking here, with over 25 parenting experts, just like this one.) 

What Does “Explosive Child” Really Mean?

It's Not Just Screaming and Door-Slamming

When you hear “explosive child,” you might picture full-blown tantrums, hitting, or kids who go from 0 to 60 in two seconds. But Dr. Greene's definition is broader …and it might surprise you.

An explosive child is simply a child who:

• Gets frustrated more easily than others

• Becomes frustrated more often

• Expresses frustration in more intense ways

But here's what really matters: this also includes the “imploders,” ie, the whiners, the pouters, the kids who withdraw quietly, and those who cry at seemingly nothing.

These children are struggling for exactly the same reasons as the ones who are screaming and lashing out. 

The behavior looks different on the outside, but underneath? Same struggle.

Behavior Is Just the Tip of the Iceberg

One of the biggest shifts Dr. Greene encourages is to stop being obsessed with the behavior itself. 

Think of behavior as the fever—it's just signaling that something is wrong underneath.

When we focus only on stopping the behavior, we might see things calm down temporarily. But the unsolved problems causing that behavior? They don't get addressed at all.

The expectation that your child is having difficulty meeting matters far more than the meltdown they're having about it. 

This changes everything about how we approach parenting easily frustrated children.  (Yeah, even the ones who completely confuse you as they tip from silliness to sudden rage at the drop of a hat.) 

Understanding Why Challenging Kids Are Challenging

What's Really Going On: Lagging Skills and Unmet Needs

Why are behaviorally challenging kids challenging? According to Dr. Ross Greene and decades of research (which you can check out here), the answer is surprisingly simple: they're lacking the skills to handle things differently, and/or, they have unmet meets.

This isn't about you being a bad parent. This isn't about them being willfully defiant or manipulative.  

Common lagging skills include:

• Flexibility

• Frustration tolerance

• Emotional regulation

• Problem-solving

When we finally identify these lagging skills and unmet needs, we're giving our child something nobody else has given them before: understanding.

Dr. Greene created a free tool called the Assessment of Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems (ALSUP) to help parents figure out exactly what's happening. You can find it at the Lives in the Balance website for free here.

Making Meltdowns Predictable (Yes, Really)

When do our explosive children explode? When what's expected of them is more than their skills can handle.

Here's what's liberating: once you identify your child's lagging skills and unsolved problems, their challenging episodes become almost completely predictable.  You stop running around fighting fires, jumping from one crisis to the next.

Think about it: you've probably been getting into conflict over the same things every single day. Getting ready in the morning. Transitions. Screen time ending. Homework. Bedtime.

Explosive children aren't keeping secrets. Once you see the pattern, you can finally work together on solving problems before they blow up.

A New Approach: Collaborative Problem Solving

The Three Plans

Dr. Greene's model gives us three ways to handle expectations and problems:

Plan A is the traditional approach—you solve it unilaterally through adult will. Consequences. Taking things away. Imposing your solution. (Sound familiar? Most of us grew up with Plan A, and it's usually our default…  but, as you have likely already discovered, this way rarely leads to meaningful change and usually results in even more explosions or implosions.) 

Plan B is solving problems collaboratively. Instead of doing something to your child, you're doing something with them. This is where the real change happens.

Plan C is strategically letting go of certain issues—not because you're giving in, but because you can't tackle everything at once. You're prioritizing what areas you are going to focus on first. rest, if you just trust the process.

The Three Steps of Plan B

When you're ready to solve problems collaboratively with your explosive child, here's how it works:

Step 1 – The Empathy Step: You gather information. You listen. You try to truly understand your child's concern about the problem. Dr. Greene says this is where the jaw-dropping moments happen as parents finally hear what's really getting in the way, and it's completely different from what they expected.

Step 2 – Define Your Concerns: Now you share your concern about the same problem. Your perspective matters too. The difference? You're sharing it as information, not as a demand.

Step 3 – The Invitation: Together, you brainstorm solutions that work for both of you. And here's what surprises most parents: kids are often way better at coming up with solutions than we expect.

Making This Work When You're Exhausted

“My Kid Won't Talk to Me”

We often hear this from parents: “My child doesn't want to have these conversations.” Dr. Greene's response? Most of the time, that's more about us than it is about them.

Kids are used to Plan A.  They're used to adults lecturing them about behavior and following it up with consequences.

When you come to your child “outside of the moment”–after the explosion has happened– and really listen, and they realize you're genuinely curious about their perspective (and not angry, about to dole out consequence or punishment), most kids actually want to participate. They've been waiting for someone to finally ask.  This does require managing your own emotions first, and we've got help for that over in this blog post. 

The magic words are curiosity and understanding. Dr. Greene says he's never met a human being who wasn't invested in making sure their story got heard. We just have to create the space for it.

(If you want some help generating ideas for this conversation, our free Calming Plan is a great tool you can use with your child to create a strategy to support them next time they are exploding/imploding) 

“I Don't Have Time for This”

This is probably the most common concern we hear from exhausted parents (and teachers juggling way too many responsibilities).

But here's what Dr. Greene points out: whatever you're doing now is taking an enormous amount of time and energy. If your current approach was working, you wouldn't be reading this.

Nobody complains about how much time it took, three or four months, after using collaborative problem solving. In fact, they discover it actually saves time. Because nothing is more exhausting than doing something that isn't working—day after day, meltdown after meltdown.

Moving Forward Together

Parenting an explosive child isn't about finding better consequences or being stricter. It's about understanding what's underneath those big feelings and working together on solutions.

When we shift from doing things to our kids to doing things with them, we teach lifelong skills:

• Empathy

• Perspective-taking

• Honest communication

• Collaborative problem solving

As Dr. Greene reminds us, just because you can get away with the traditional approach with some kids doesn't mean it's the best approach for any kid. All children benefit from being treated as partners rather than problems to manage.

The explosive child in your life isn't broken. They're not a “bad kid” or a “scary kid”—they're a scared kid who's stuck. And with curiosity, empathy, and collaborative problem solving, you can help them get unstuck.

Together.

Common Questions From Parents About Explosive Kids​

What causes an explosive child?

According to Dr. Ross Greene, an explosive child isn't acting out because of bad parenting or willful defiance. The research is clear: challenging kids are challenging because they're lacking certain skills—things like flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem solving abilities.

Think of it this way: when the expectations placed on your child outstrip their current skills, that's when you see the meltdowns. It's not that they won't behave differently—it's that they can't, at least not yet.

The good news? Once you identify your child's specific lagging skills and unsolved problems, their explosive episodes become remarkably predictable. You've probably noticed you're getting into conflict over the same things every day—mornings, transitions, screen time, homework. Your explosive child isn't keeping secrets. They're showing you exactly where they need support.

We've got another blog post that you can read here that can help guide you through the internal work that you can do first so that you can show up as your best self for your kid in these moments too. 

How do you deal with an explosive child?

The most effective approach isn't about finding better consequences or being more strict—it's about solving problems collaboratively. Dr. Greene's Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS) model gives us a different path forward.

Instead of doing something to your child when they're struggling (Plan A), you work with them to understand what's getting in the way and find solutions together (Plan B). This means getting curious about their perspective, sharing your concerns without demands, and brainstorming solutions that work for both of you.

Here's what surprises most parents: when kids realize you're genuinely curious about their experience—not angry, not about to impose a consequence—they actually want to participate. They've been waiting for someone to finally ask. And three or four months into this approach? Parents discover it actually saves time, because nothing is more exhausting than doing something that isn't working, day after day.

We share 4 steps for managing meltdowns in this great blog post too. 

Is explosive anger a symptom of ADHD?

Explosive behavior can certainly show up alongside ADHD, but it's important to understand that the explosions themselves aren't really the issue—they're the signal that something underneath needs attention.

Many easily frustrated children, whether they have ADHD or not, struggle with the same lagging skills: difficulty with transitions, trouble managing big emotions, and challenges with flexibility when things don't go as expected. The label matters less than understanding your specific child's lagging skills and the unsolved problems that keep triggering those meltdowns.

Dr. Greene's free Assessment of Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems (ALSUP) tool can help you identify exactly what's going on with your child—regardless of any diagnosis. You can find it on his website here. Whether your child has ADHD, anxiety, autism, or no diagnosis at all, the path forward is the same: understanding what skills they're missing and working together to solve the problems that keep coming up.

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​Hear our full conversation with Dr. Ross Greene in the video below.

👉And don't forget that you can have instant, free access to our parenting conference with 25 expert interviews, all just as powerful and practical as this one!  Click here to sign up.👈 

Links to Dr. Ross Greene's resources:

Lives in the balance

Resources for parents and demonstration videos

Resources for teachers and demonstration videos

Assessment of Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems

Collaborative and Proactive Solutions website

Book – The Explosive Child

Book – Lost at School