Hello there,
In a parenting workshop that we gave last week at a local charter school we were giving our usual talk about the importance of identifying a child’s need (and our own need).
A dad raised his hand and asked, “How do you distinguish between needs and wants? What do I do when my son says he needs to play a video game?”
So we talked with the group about how needs are universal. Not everyone in the world has a “need” to play a video game. But there is a universal need for recreation.
But perhaps the most important thing to remember about our wants and desires is that, just below the surface, there IS a real, legitimate need. Sadly, most parents don’t talk to their kids at this deeper level.
If we can find the need, hidden underneath our child’s wants, it makes the job of parenting sooooo much easier.
How do I know?
Because just last night at dinner, we messed up on it. Our oldest daughter Alana asked if, when she started middle school, she could get a cell phone.
At first we responded like typical parents. We asked, “Why do you need a cell phone?”
She said that she would need a phone when she’s babysitting or at school if she wanted to schedule a time to play at a friend’s house.
We said, “When you are in middle school, the school should have a phone that you can use and people that you babysit have phones in their houses. You don’t need one.”
Alana said disappointedly, “Fine! I don’t want to talk about it anymore!”
For most parents (and almost for us) this would be the end of the discussion.
Here’s how the conversation completely transformed when we got to the “need underneath her want”.
Here’s how the rest of the conversation went.
ME: Alana, I know you don’t want to talk about it anymore, but can I tell you one more thing?
ALANA: Fine.
ME: I know that you’ve been wanting a cell phone for a while now. You’ve asked for one several times and I’m guessing that you’ve been getting excited about getting one now that you are older.
ALANA: Yes. Everyone in my graduating class has one.
ME: Oh! And you’re feeling left out that you don’t get to be like everyone else?
ALANA: Yes.
ME: Ah. That makes sense. (pause) Another thing that you might not know, is that dad and I are really watching our family budget. We are okay, you don’t need to worry, but we are looking closely at where we spend our money. If it is really important to you to have a phone, then maybe we give less to other things that you do. But whatever we choose, let’s look at how much a phone would cost so at least we can talk about real numbers. There are different plans that have different costs depending on what you want your phone to do.
ALANA: All I want it to do it to text message. Everyone in my class can text each other.
ME: Oooooh. You want to text message. I know friendship is really important to you and it makes sense to me that you want to be able to communicate with friends. I’m guessing you feel like you’re missing out on conversations and chances to connect with people.
ALANA: (with tears in her eyes) Yes.
Do you hear the shift that occurred here?
We went from power struggle plus huge disappointment to deep connection and understanding.
Alana’s need is not to have a phone, but to CONNECT with her friends, to BELONG, to PARTICIPATE in conversations that others are having.
As adults and parents we can relate to those needs—because we have them too. They’re universal. Connection is why we’re here on the planet. Participation and belonging is what keeps us alive and fulfilled.
We don’t know where this conversation will lead us as a family in the following weeks and months. We don’t need to find the perfect solution now because there are many different ways we can think of to meet Alana’s need to connect and belong. She could pay for her own phone, she could text on ours, she could use our home phone to call friends, she could email, and on and on.
The important part is that we understood her NEED and she felt understood and she even understood us. Together, over time, we can figure out what will work for all of us.
Have a great week.
Working things out,
Cecilia and Jason