Last time on the blog, we talked about what you can do to help kids reconnect after a blow-up… without forcing them to apologize to each other.
You got 6-steps and mini-scripts for how to calm everyone down, help kids understand each other’s perspective, and come up with a solution.
One of our readers asked a great question…
What if [the conflict] is one-sided? One kid is hitting and slapping and the other is asking him to stop and he doesn't?
So today, we’re talking about how to handle a child who is hitting. Just like last week, you’ll get 6 steps and a mini-script for each step!
Real Life Example – Teaching a Child to Stop Hitting Other Kids
“Sam” is a 5-year-old. On the school playground, he walks around from child to child, hitting each of them. The kids he hits are children that Sam plays with often and considers his friends. From what I can see, his hitting is completely unprovoked. What do I do?
Note: Even though this example is with a younger child these steps work for older kids and toddlers too!
What to do if a Child is Hitting: Six Simple Steps
Step 1: Be Curious
Even though this situation looks completely one-sided, it might not be. In our experience as teachers and parents, one-sided conflicts are less common. Maybe I hadn’t seen everything? Maybe the other child did something earlier that upset Sam and he’s still sad about it?
There have been many times in the classroom and in our home when I’ve gone into a situation thinking I knew who was the “aggressor” and the “victim”, only to find out that it was more complicated than my initial impression.
We don’t always see what happened the moment before the fight began, or we might not have seen what happened between the kids 1-2 hours earlier, or even 1-2 days earlier. The child who is acting aggressively may have had frustration building up from previous experiences that you weren't aware of.
Be curious because even if you saw it all happen, you might not have all the information.
Script: “Sam, I’m not willing for you to hit. Are you feeling sad (or mad) right now?”
Step 2: Understand the Communication Beneath the Behavior
Remember, behavior is communication. Dr. Ross Greene says, “Kids do well if they can. If they can’t, it’s because of lagging skills and unsolved problems.” This means that children will use their words if they can, but if they don’t have the verbal or social skills or if they are overwhelmed by their feelings, they might hit and act out instead.
In this situation, I knew that Sam had some lagging skills, even though he was a really bright child. I had a hunch that he was hitting kids on the head because he wanted to play with them (an odd strategy, for sure).
If you ask a child, “Why are you hitting?”, they may not actually know why. So, try this script instead…
Script: If you don’t know why Sam is hitting, ask him, “What are your hands trying to tell us?” Or you can make a guess like, “I see you hitting kids. Is this your way to play with them?.”
Step 3: Be a Coach
After talking to Sam, I found out that his hitting was in fact, an attempt to play and interact with other kids! He was hitting because he didn’t have the verbal and social skills to ask the other kids to play with him. So, I suggested words he could use to enter into a game that other kids were playing. Once he started using these words, he stopped hitting other kids. Here’s what I said…
Script: “When you want to play with other kids just ask them, ‘Do you want to play?’. Then they will understand your message. They don’t understand your message when you hit them.”
Step 4: Make Things Better
When one child hurts another–or damages property–encourage them to “make it better” or to make amends. For example, if a child rips a page of a book, they can help tape it. If they hurt another child, they can give them some ice or a bandaid to help them feel better.
Kids are often embarrassed when they’ve made a mistake. They are especially embarrassed if their mistake hurts someone they care about. Talking to children in a “matter-of-fact” tone of voice is often the most effective. You don’t need to make them feel guilty, they probably already do. Parenting expert Alfie Kohn reminds parents that you don’t need to make kids feel bad in order for them to be good.
Script: If a child was hurt say, “I see Missy is crying. Hitting hurts. Quick! Get her an ice pack for her head! That’ll help her feel better.” If property is damaged you might say something like, “This page got torn out of the book. I’ll hold it together while you get the tape. I can help you fix it.”
Step 5: Help Kids to Reconcile
Sometimes kids are so embarrassed that talking and reconciling with the other child is just too hard. I get embarrassed too, when I make a mistake. Here are your options to support a child who doesn’t want to talk about it.
You Talk For Them
Here’s what this might sound like: “Sam wanted me to tell you that he didn’t mean to hurt you earlier. He was actually trying to say, ‘Hi, do you want to play with me?’ He likes playing with you and he wants to be your friend.”
Child Draws a Picture or Writes a Letter
Drawings and letters are great tools to encourage kids to reconnect. Young children might need help writing the words or crafting their message.
Script: “Sam, the other kids didn’t understand that you were trying to play with them when you were hitting. Do you want to write a letter to them or draw a picture so they know you want to be their friend and you can tell them what you are going to do differently next time?”
Step 6: Find Teachable Moments
A child who is struggling to connect or has some lagging social skills needs extra support. Siblings who are chronically bothering each other need support too. As a parent or teacher, sometimes when I see an opportunity for one child to connect with another I whisper in the child’s ear something that he could do.
Script: I whisper, “Sam, I know you’ve been wanting to connect with the other kids. I see that Missy is playing all by herself with the basketball. Maybe she would like to play with you?” or, “Sam, I see that Missy lost her shoes in the sand. She’s over there looking for them right now. Do you want to help her find them? Helping her is a way to be her friend”
Which one of these strategies are you going to use next time your child hits another? Leave it in the comments below. I read and respond to each of them!