Recently I’ve been telling the story about how one of our teens was struggling, then bounced back, and what we did for our teen and for ourselves to find support.

Sharing about that difficult period got me thinking about how ridiculously hard it was for us to find resources and support about how to parent tweens and teens. 

Maybe I didn’t look hard enough or I was looking in the wrong places, but it even seems like parenting books for babies and toddlers outnumber books about parenting teens by at least a ratio of 10 to 1. 

In addition to the lack of books, in our area – where you can get free parenting classes if your child is young – there are NO parenting classes that exist if your child is over 12 years old.

What gives?

It’s as if our whole culture is saying, “We’ll support you when you’re trying to get your young one to sleep at night, eat their veggies, or get through a tantrum, but as soon as he’s tempted by peers, screens, alcohol, drugs, relationships, driving, and all the hard stuff… good luck!! You’re on your own!”

As much as I love working with parents one-on-one or in small groups, for many families, for various reasons, this isn’t an option. I don’t like the thought that parents – maybe you – could be hurting the way I was a few years ago, and not offer to help.

So here are our top 3 no-cost and low-cost things that got us through our most challenging times…

 

1. Create a community or “support group” with your friends

I believe that what parents of teens need most is: community. And it doesn’t have to be hard to create it. One of the easiest ways is to simply invite your child’s friend’s parents to get together. 

Here’s how I did it: 

  • When our child was in middle school, I sent a group text message to their friend’s parents that said, “I don’t know how your kids are doing, but mine are struggling and our kids are in each other’s houses a lot. Want to get together to share how your family is doing so we can ‘parent’ each other’s kids better when they’re over?”
  • You can meet at your place (when your kids are not home), or at a park, library study room, or coffee shop. True story: I’ve even met with a group in a cemetery.

Once you get together, here’s how to facilitate the group:

  • Adopt a “no advice-giving” agreement. The group goal is NOT to give advice or to solve problems. The goal of the group is to be less alone, to normalize the struggle, to deeply listen to each other, to share hope, and to support each other.
  • Ask questions and reflect. At the end of each person’s sharing, leave a few minutes for people to ask questions of the sharer, or reflect back what they’ve heard. It’s not a time for others to respond or share their own story, nor is it a time to share platitudes, or “Oh you think that’s bad– listen to THIS…”
  • Create group agreements. Besides “no advice giving”, talk about how you want to handle confidentiality. Discuss scheduling, location, and how often you want to meet (once a month is what I recommend). Discuss what would you like group members to do if they see that your child appears to be struggling, distressed, or making poor choices.
  • Appoint a facilitator to be the timekeeper so that everyone gets an equal time to share. The facilitator can rotate at each meeting, and also be the person who reminds people to refrain from offering advice.
  • Before you leave, schedule the next meeting. You can meet at the same time and location every month or at a different one. Just get it scheduled while you are still in person. 

 

2. Grab our favorite books about parenting teens 

You can either get these for free at the library or you can buy them…

Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain by Daniel J. Siegel MD

Parenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety: A Complete Guide to Your Child's Stressed, Depressed, Expanded, Amazing Adolescence by Dr. John Duffy 

The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction by Christine Carter

 

3. Get help for your teen (and you)

We have a great short course about parenting teens that many parents have described as “transformative”. It’s self-paced, packed with goodness and wisdom, and available here.

Or– if you want low-cost access to a parent coach, a like-minded warm, supportive virtual community, with pre-vetted resources (including the teen short course) so that you don’t have to feel alone or wonder what to do with your teen, email us at info@happilyfamily.com to see if registration is open for The Village. Members also enjoy a live, interactive weekly “Tea Time” with a parent coach. And a Q and A session with Jason and me, once per month.

Now, I want to hear from you. Which, of the top 3, would make the biggest difference for you and your teen? 

Let me know in the comments below. We read every one!

 

Sending strength and solidarity,
Cecilia and Jason