Over the years, Jason and I have done over 250 interviews with authors, speakers, and experts in the world of parenting. We’ve talked with psychologists, neuroscientists, educators, and parents who are thinking deeply about kids every single day.

And parents often ask us a version of the same question: “What’s the best parenting advice you can give me?”

Our answer might surprise you. It might even kind of annoy you, because it’s not a quick tip or a clever one-liner you can tape to your fridge. The best parenting advice we’ve ever received (and that we can share with you) is this: before you do anything with your child, tune in to what’s going on with yourself first.

That’s it. That’s the whole thing.

Okay, not quite. There are actually three steps to this process, and once you understand them, they can change the way you show up for your kids in every situation, from the small daily moments to the really big, heart-pounding ones. Let us walk you through it.

If you’re like most parents, when your child does something challenging, your first instinct is to focus on them. What are they doing wrong? How do I fix this? What should I say right now?

And that makes sense. Your child is the one having the meltdown or refusing to get out of bed, or fighting with their sibling. Of course, you want to address what’s happening with them.

But here’s what we’ve learned from talking to so many incredible experts (people like Dr. Dan Siegel, Dr. Shefali Tsabary, and Dr. Roxy Manning): the most effective thing you can do in any parenting moment is to check in with yourself before you check in with your child.

This isn’t just feel-good advice. Research published in the journal Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review supports the idea that mindful, self-aware parenting leads to better outcomes for both parents and children. When parents practice what researchers call “emotional awareness of self and child,” they’re better able to regulate their own responses and connect with their kids in a meaningful way.

Dr. Dan Siegel puts it simply: “The number one predictor of a child’s well-being is a parent’s self-understanding.” That’s a powerful statement. It means the work you do on yourself is not selfish. It’s actually the most important parenting work you can do.

If you want to go deeper into this idea, we highly recommend watching our full conversation with Dr. Siegel about parenting and attachment. His insights on how self-understanding shapes the parent-child relationship are truly eye-opening.

Whether you’re a first-time parent trying to figure out how to handle a screaming baby, or a seasoned parent navigating the complexities of raising a teen, this advice applies. It’s not age-specific or stage-specific. It’s a way of being.

New parents especially can feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of parenting tips out there. Everyone has something to say about what you should do. But the best parenting advice isn’t about following someone else’s rulebook. It’s about learning to trust your own awareness, your own observations, and your own capacity to show up with intention.

And for those of you who have been doing this parenting thing for a while… you know that the challenges don’t necessarily get easier. They just change shape. The toddler who wouldn’t put on shoes becomes the teenager who won’t put down their phone. The inner work stays the same.

These three steps were originally taught to us by Dr. Roxy Manning, who teaches anti-racism, self-compassion, and non-violent communication. We’ve found them to be incredibly practical and grounding, whether you’re dealing with a child who won’t get out of bed on a school day or a teenager who just slammed their door.

Think of these steps as a way to press pause before you react. They don’t take long, but they change everything about how you respond.

The first step is to notice what’s happening inside of you. What feelings are you having? What thoughts or stories are running through your head? What sensations do you notice in your body?

Here’s an example:

Say it’s a school day, and you walk into your child’s bedroom, and they’re still in bed. If you tune in to your internal world first, you might notice that your heart is beating a little faster. You might notice some stories forming in your mind, like, “Oh my gosh, maybe my child will never graduate from high school.”

That sounds dramatic when you see it written out, right? But those are the kinds of thoughts that can race through a parent’s head in a split second. And if you don’t notice them, they’ll drive your next action. You might walk in already frustrated, already stressed, already bracing for a fight.

But when you take just a moment to observe those internal reactions, you create a little space between the trigger and your response. And that space is where really good parenting lives.

If you’d like a simple tool to help you practice staying calm in these moments, check out our free calming plan. It’s designed to help parents (and kids!) create a personalized strategy based on brain science and empathy.

The second level of tuning in is a little different. This one asks you to zoom out and notice the cultural, societal, or systemic factors that might be making this particular situation harder for you.

For example, in our culture, parents (and especially mothers) are often blamed for how their children behave. There’s an unspoken expectation that if your child is struggling, it must mean you’re doing something wrong. That belief is heavy to carry, and it absolutely affects how you show up when your child won’t get out of bed on time.

Research from the American Psychological Association's Stress in America survey shows that parental stress continues to rise, with parents reporting significant increases in stress related to the state of the nation, technology, and daily pressures. Recognizing these systemic pressures doesn't make the situation go away, but it does something important: it helps you stop blaming yourself for things that are much bigger than you.

There’s also often a real lack of support for families and children in general. When you can name that, even quietly to yourself, it shifts something. You’re no longer carrying the weight of the whole world on your shoulders as if it’s all your personal failing.

The third step is beautifully simple. You just observe what you’re actually seeing, without all the stories and interpretations layered on top.

Going back to our example: instead of “My child is being lazy and irresponsible,” the external observation might be, “It’s 8:30 and my child is in bed.”

That’s it. No judgment. No catastrophizing. Just what’s happening right now, right in front of you.

This might sound too simple to be the best parenting advice, but there’s real power in it. When you separate what you’re actually seeing from the stories you’re telling yourself about it, you open up space for curiosity instead of reactivity. And curiosity is one of the most important qualities a parent can have.

So what happens when you actually do these three steps before you say anything? Something pretty remarkable occurs.

Instead of walking into your child’s room with your jaw clenched and your stress level already through the roof, you walk in calmer. More collected. More open. More self-aware. You’re not running on autopilot or reacting out of fear.

And your kids can feel the difference. Children are incredibly attuned to our energy, our body language, and our tone. When we show up regulated, we create the conditions for them to regulate, too. That’s not just our experience… that’s what the research on co-regulation consistently shows.

There’s a reason so many parenting experts, from Dr. Dan Siegel to Dr. Shefali, keep coming back to this same idea. The best parenting advice isn’t really about your kids at all. It’s about you.

Not because your kids don’t matter (of course they do), but because you have a lot of influence on the emotional tone in your home. You can choose, in any given moment, whether to react from a place of stress or respond from a place of awareness.

This is what we talk about when we say we believe in “power with” parenting rather than “power over.” It’s not about controlling your child’s behavior. It’s about understanding your own inner world well enough that you can guide your child with connection and compassion. If you want to explore what this shift looks like in more detail, our post on shifting from power-over to power-with parenting is a great place to start.

One of the things we love most about this approach is that it works no matter what stage of parenting you’re in. Whether your baby is colicky and you’re running on no sleep, or your five-year-old is melting down at the grocery store, or your teen just told you they hate you, the process is the same.

Tune in internally. Notice the systemic pressures. Observe what’s actually happening.

Then respond.

It’s not about being a perfect parent. (Spoiler: there’s no such thing.) It’s about being a conscious one. It’s about giving yourself the gift of a few seconds of awareness so that you can give your child the gift of a parent who is truly present.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s positive parenting resources reinforce this same idea: that effective parenting starts with nurturing the relationship between parent and child, and that begins with how a parent manages their own emotional state.

We know that reading about self-awareness is one thing. Actually doing it in the heat of the moment, when your child is screaming or your teenager is pushing every button you have, is something else entirely.

So here are a few things that can help you build this muscle over time.

You don’t have to do all three steps perfectly every time. In fact, you won’t. Some days you’ll catch yourself mid-reaction and think, “Oh, right. I should probably check in with myself.” That counts. That’s progress.

Parenting is a practice, not a performance. The goal isn’t perfection. It’s awareness. And every time you try, you’re building neural pathways that make it easier to pause next time. If you’re looking for a deeper dive into how imperfection is actually a strength in parenting, we wrote about embracing mistakes with grace in parenting and we think you’ll find it reassuring.

​This kind of inner work is so much easier when you’re not doing it alone. Surrounding yourself with other parents who are on a similar journey, who want to raise their kids with empathy and connection rather than control, can make all the difference.

(That’s one of the reasons we created the Happily Family Conference. It’s a free online gathering with over 25 experts, and it’s designed to be a place where you can learn, reflect, and connect with a community that gets it. You can save your spot here.)

And if you’re raising a teen (or about to be), you might also want to check out our conference specifically for parents of teens. Because the teenage years bring their own unique set of challenges, and having expert support can make a real difference.

Tuning in to yourself isn’t a one-and-done kind of thing. It’s something you can come back to again and again during the day. It might look different in different seasons of your life and your child’s life. Every time you tune in to yourself before responding to your child, you’re making a choice that has ripple effects beyond just that moment.

You’re teaching your child what emotional regulation looks like. You’re modeling self-awareness. And you’re building a relationship with your child that’s rooted in trust and genuine connection, not fear or control.

And that, we believe, is the kind of parenting that changes families… and the world.

The single best piece of parenting advice that we’ve gotten over the years is to tune in to yourself before you respond to your child. That means noticing your own feelings, thoughts, body sensations, and the external pressures influencing you before you say or do anything. When you lead with self-awareness, you’re able to show up calmer, more connected, and more intentional, which creates better outcomes for both you and your child.

You don’t need to be perfect to be a great parent. In fact, aiming for perfection often backfires, leading to guilt, burnout, and disconnection. Instead, focus on self-awareness and repair. When you make a mistake (and you will, because you’re human), acknowledge it, reconnect with your child, and try again. Research shows that children thrive when they have parents who are consistent, warm, and willing to grow, not parents who never mess up. If you have difficulty making observations in the “heat of the moment” then do it after things have calmed down. That way you’re building up your self awareness skills without the time pressure and stress.

Tuning in looks like taking a brief pause before reacting to your child. You might notice your heart racing, or catch yourself thinking catastrophic thoughts. You might recognize that cultural or societal pressure is adding to your stress. And then you observe what’s actually happening, without judgment. This practice helps you respond thoughtfully instead of reacting out of stress or habit. It’s something you can do in just a few seconds once you’ve practiced it, and it might take weeks and months to feel like you’ve developed this new skill.